have a good reunion dinner. you should contact me later this evening to settle our plan for tmr.

if you dont im sorry for telling you this but i still got your nose

what are you doing now? it feels so strange that you dont ask for me. or talk to me.

maybe my body is resetting.. slept at 3. woke up at 8.. i just cant sleep. like even when i wake up at this time. i'll just lie in bed. too tired to get up. to active to sleep. quite the problem really.

what if you took soo long to decide that i made my own decisions

remember when we use to text each other at this time. it was sneaky to me. in service. stealing a text here and there. meeting for lunch afterwards. shopping.

i wonder. if you love a person. how much are you willing to see the person suffer?

and whats so great about the new year.

im thinking of you. are you?

if you felt this way.. over what i said. over what i did. why didnt you tell me about it? everyday i asked you to tell me whats wrong. i wanted to know what made you tick. if you didnt tell me whats wrong i could only assume that everything i was doing was right.. if you were unhappy. you should have told me.. then at least i can justifiably say its my fault for screwing this up. but now like all those things i did that u didnt like. i really didnt know you didnt. if only you told me... why didnt you? im not blaming all this on you...but if you had told me it would have had made a difference. i would have done something to make things right.

remeber this. you may think you feel lonely when you're alone. but with people does not mean you stop feeling lonely. but right here right now.. i feel alone. and i wish you were here.. i dont want to feel in limbo. i dont want to feel like this. i can neither move nor stay. i just need your answer now. i dont know what is my next move without knowing yours.

but i cant give up. and i want you to stay. come back to me

hi. im thinking of you. call me soon.

i cant stop thinking of you.. if you hadent called me that day i wouldnt have this hopeful feeling.. but at the same time i was so glad you did.. i just wish you followed up... i wonder what tmr will bring.

even if im willing to change and give you everything that you want. will you give me everything i want?

what is it that i want..

i know that i still want to be with you.. goodnight.

im really feelign better.. i wonder how about you? hows the shopping? awesome? you havent had the time to spend with your friends and family. i was selfish. i guess it was pretty much like me going to army. that period. i would have acted differently. but fundamentally i was selfish. its strange really. like i know soo many things. i always have all this head knowledge. they either a) dont appear. or b) dont form a proper train of thought. i.e no matter what the case i just couldnt apply my past experiences or the correct situational actions to the appropriate tasks at hand. i dont know why theres such a disunity of thought in my life. like now i think about it outside of this situation. when i place myself outside the environment. i can see things somewhat clearer. like i know what i could have should have done. i know that certain things i could have done better. its just weird. like now i know.. more atleast.. like i really knew i just had to be there and strong for you. but i just dont know how to apply it.. like why some days i ask you to take the time off just have alone time. casue i know thats what you need to recharge. i ask about your day and all that casue i wanted to encourage you and feel the empty gaps in between. just not saying anything feels weird.. maybe thats just the difference. i know now that i should have just talked. about my life about what i was doing. just talk. let you listen. let you feel detached. just talk while you listen. it could have been about anything.. rambling really. casue i know that feeling. cause i too at times just want to hear you talk and not say a word. i kinda do. you know? i cant hold a proper train of thought.. i dont know why. like soo manythings i want to say now. and then.. but i just get lost by the distractions.. all the noise.. you know why i asked you to play l4d2? rmb that time when we played. the first round i was just blazing through.. then i said hey you take the lead. cause i wanted to be there behind you! let you know i got yourback. no worries dont worry i got you. i was soo happy when you said you enjoyed yourself. and you did sound so much happier. and i was happy. i think that was the one real thing i did right... i wonder if you think so.. im not entirely useless.. i have my moments of inspiration.. i really want to play l4d2 with you.. the thing is i want to play it with you not because i want to play... but because i want to make you happy. i rather just not game ya know? i never felt like this with another girl. i guess it makes me feel good too. to know that im soo awesome and i can take care of my gf.. its my way of being your knight in shining armor.. cept this is hero covered in guts and gore.. and you're zoey.. or rochelle. haha. im really starting to feel better now. like it seems brighter.. i can do this... i can. be more then this. can be more mature.. perhaps im growing stronger.. sometimes i feel like my past experiences. i dont fully remember... ok i know i dont remember everything. cause sometimes when i read back my old posts or the like... i, i dont always remeber everything. i regret many things... i really do.. but whats the point whining about the past when the future is upon us and the present is for us to change.. i can change. i must. nobody wants to date a child. a sad person. a loser. i always fantasise about apocalyptic events.. cause i know for sure i can be a leader and i can save the group. and i got the skills to survive. like i can save and protect the ones i love. i know i can. thats probably why i always play those fantasy games. or read those books. cause i know. i am a hero. i know i can do all that. but in this world i feel so inadequate like im limited. im lesser. its weird.. sometimes i think i should go see a psychiatrist. I Am better. I can be better. I will be better. most of all i should start now.

had 1 dream 2 nightmares.

first was holding her in my arms in bed. and when i woke up there was nothing. 2nd and third well i cant rmb now... but yeah they werent very pleasent.

funny how things work out... its always the big dates. it always has been. its no different. things dont just change cause u want them too. funny too how the only time we have properly texted was this morning. and how this morning was the only time she texted me this week. strange how things work out.

i now have established that i have no idea what is happening. i know for a fact that what i thought was to be has yet to be. and what is to come will be stranger still. this myraid of feelings i just quell.. with a simple mantra. now that im still in control dont give in to the feelings of dread not yet. and i just push it all away. for future me to handle.

when two ppl get tgt.. do they always have an end insight? i think not. i think we like to know that we wont end the relationship in sadness. but how can u stop trying just because u dont know if its possible. shouldnt we just keep fighting.. keep trying.?

i dont know what to do ya know. you ask me if i want to. i dont know. this really is probably how alice feels like tumling down the rabbit hole. with my headache it feels exactly like it. but sometimes words of inspiration do hit me.. and its true no matter how deep the rabbit hole. you'll eventually hit the ground.

sorry just dosent cut it you know. i like to thing im suffering and all. but i do need to pause and ask myself what about you. are you hurting too? part of me wants to know you bleed too. that you're the same as me. vulnerable. that we both gave ourselves to this. damn i need to stop saying this.. it still hurts so bad..

rmb just push it all away and talk about other things. when u finally crumble you can then give in to these feelings...

i need to convince myself more....

gaming works. but then again i mellowed myself out. i dont know what is this anymore.. so i decided not to think about it. this could work for now....

things that work.. not having contact. everytime u see something from her. its another stab to the heart. somehow today happens to be the only day i stop thinking of you. but you start thinking of me. strange huh..

the other low points of this exercise... is the lying. have to lie to parents to explain your absence. mom ask me to invite u to go MBS with us to eat tonight. buffett. i would have loved it if you could come. but ohwell. everything feels so blend. nothing inspires or tingles.. but i rather this then the wall of pain.

when i look back on my life... im really damn pathetic.. i read, and reread the past experiences. the things they said. the things i said. i dont know how much have i changed. i think not much at all. really. if this is it. if this is all there is to me will you still love me? what kind of person would really love me for who i am? whats the point.

ok this is bad. im starting to feel it. im starting to cave.. tonight might just be the last night before it all comes down. now i cant stop thinking why didnt you reply me. i should have just ignored you. let you feel bad on your own. i need to stop thinking about all of this. i need to stop breathing.

damn it. i am kinda worried about leaving the house for dinner. my chest is begining to hurt. my headaches are coming back. im starting to feel insecure about hmm i dont know what. my temples hurt. i dont want to say im done. cause if i give myself a finality or if i say goodbye. i'm afriad i'll never come back. fear...

i made it.. sort of. i learnt a few things. blasting loud music helps. talking still works. life may always give me the same shit.. but it just means i can learn to deal with it better.. cause i've been through it time and time again. remember what u said to yourself.. dont apply past experience on future hopes. ok u can do that but make sure u are discerning!. one things for sure my feelings for you are still the same.. i need to learn to tell when to say yes when to give in. and fight temptation. dont set urself up for failure..

go sleep. go rest. you need to recover.

remeber to delete all possible forms of contact. i know you.. you see one thing u will think think think become 5mil things. so what if shes tired but she appears on skype. so what if she comments on her facebook. so what if she change her status on anywhere. truth is you dont want to know. so dont be an idiot and fall for it.. you always do.. you're such a sucker.

xoxo past you.

day 0.

eyes are smirking. hurts to stare at anything. feel tired. wish i could just give in just now to the tears. but didnt so now the feelings past. just emptiness atm. this bliss will not last. now still strong. should drink alochol. moare alcohol and game somemore. have to deal with awkward moments where parents ask me to ask her out.. not to future self. should always go out with a bang. dont let them see you beat down. i dont know what else is there to do.. i dont want to game. i dont want to drink.. i dont want to do anything.. this sucks..

this really is a meaningless drone.. my eyes are aching even more.. the thing about picking up drinking again when u quit... it just dosent go down as well anymore. i still appreaciate it.. but i rather drink with company.. or maybe i just like beer now.. but johnny walker has always been there for me... stupid stupid stupid.. headache the whole day still here to stay.

I'm sorry i am;

but to be a perfect man;

i'll do all i can.

Poem:

With all that i have, i swear i will be true;

I can never leave, i can never go;

but to be enthralled by you; your wit.

Your Beau.

When the days seem long,

and the nights grow dim.

When the Dawn seems bleak,

and you feel so meek.

Don't forget,

I love you