Wednesday, December 24, 2008
well. merry christmas. this year has been differnt for me. i finally sorta woke up my idea. started to really take my future and my studies seriously. studied pretty hard. realised that relationships werent all tehre was to life. got over ppl. grew from them. learnt from them. this xmas dosent really have much meaning for me. christmas sort of loss its meaning since last year. just was emoing and reading thourgh old posts. to see how i was back than. to see if i grew. to see if i had gained anything in my life from the relationship. i realised that i really was insecure back than. i was really afraid. and i was a real noob. i learnt so much from cheryl and now that i've grown up. i could really see wat a fool i really was. Cheryl i'll wish you merry christmas at midnight. the same as last year. the same as the year before. feels like some tradition for me. i dunno why. i guess its quite weird to be talking about your ex all of a sudden. but yeah it is weird -_- the "greatest love of all" just played.. how ironic. but it really was.. sorry for breaking up with you. it was my biggest mistkae to treat every relationship the saem way. i should have known that each was unique and not everything could be applied the same way. i realised since than i havent really blogged long posts. i realise i've changed? i stilll dun really talk much to my frens. but at least its not so bad now. my spiritual life and walk with God has vastly improved this year. from that lost sheep of faith i have grew. i took part in the planning of a church camp. i took part in the 40 day fast. i fasted on my own. i have started doing QT which is like a big deal to me. i have becomed more disciplined in my life. i really studied during teh times i needed too. thuogh i belive that i could be better prepared. i still whine once in a while abuot how lonely i feel. i still emo once in a blue moon. but everything has pretty much toned down. i guess its christmas and it just makes me look back and reflect. and feel sad. but i really have growned up. and moved on. i have memories. sweet memories. but we are pals. still joke bout nonsence. she helped me during my A lvl period. encouraged me when i was defeated. God has great plans for me. i been praying for that. for good works in my life. he has showned me that he is real in my life. but me as a human being constantly ask for more. but he has been faithful. and i have comed to terms with him. i hope that as i enter the army next year. i'll be able to adapt quickly. i foresee it to be a super experience. and i really hope that i'll learn lots from the army. i still really feel lonely once in a while. the feeling of wanting to be loved. the feeling of wanting to be held. i guess its an unforgettable feeling. once you get hit by it. you can neary forget. this church camp was intersting. i learnt more about myself and teh ppl around me. who i could work with. and who couldnt work with me. but nontheless there were regrets. regrets of not spending enough time with the campers. i'm so sorry. i really wanted to sit down and talk with you all. find out how was life treating you. learn more about your experiences. i think i learnt that i really love working with people. i feel taht i have a genuine care and concern for them. its.. its almost as if i love each and every one of them. its really amuzing. but thats the fact. i sometimes almost feel like i love each and everyone of the people around me. maybe thats why God gave me so much love. and why each and everyone left me. cause my love wasnt meant for 1. it was meant for a lot mroe.. i guess this is werhe the feeling i give that i have many girlfriends came from. this 19 years of mylife. i hurt many ppl. and in my few relationships i have really hurt some of them. and i'm really sorry for pulling them into this mess. really apologetic for anyhow jumping into relationships. really apologetic for being such an immature kid in them. really sorry for everything. i never wanted any of this. but if theres 1 thing i have learnt... its that i can hold my head up high when i make mistakes. i have grown to be a.. man? i have a long road infront of me. but i know i'm growing. and i know i'm becoming a man his wife can love. i know that i'm growing out of my childish ideas. i know that i'm growing up to be somebody great. and no matter what i loved you. at times i really miss you. but i am alright as long as you are happy. i have let go many of my insecurites. and now am working on a few more problems on my life. i want to be someone great. i want to do great things in my life. but i know now that i got to work on myself first. i am learnign to love my family. i really strugle with that and i'm going to do alot more about it. i'll try. try so very hard. cause i know they are important to me. my friends around me i really hope that i'll be a better friend. please help me. share with me your life. let me be your close friend. your best friend. cause i really care for you all. i dun show it at times. or only when you all see me. but deep down... a peopl person.. haha. i cant even have a proper relationship with anyone... a proper friendly relationship thats not shallow. pity. pitful. i guess i'm no more the angsty kid i was a xxx amt of time back. no more as agitated. no mroe as confused. but i know if i make mistakes this stable postion i have found for myself may very well crumble. but i also know that if i crumble i'll be rebuilding myself with an even stronger foundation. really glad for all the people who have moulded me in my life. i hope and pray taht i will grow up to be an even better man. i guess i secretly still miss you. but whats there not to miss. haha. (: i'm alright. i'm just.. reflecting. may your life be smooth flowing. may your burdens be light. may the sun shine on your back. may the winds blow with you. christmas cheer i may not feel. but i wish the best to all of you. may this Christmas be a growing up experince for all of you. i still look for my one and only. but not as actively and as desperatly as before. i dun think i'm any prepared for a long time relationship at the moment. perhaps a flirty short one. but nah.. thats not my thing..or so i think.... haha. now that i've started to blog again.. it feels so hard to stop. just releasing my emotions into the wind. sigh. i feel.. contented. yes i wish for many things. yes i regret many things. but i still feel glad in the end. i love you. sigh those 3 magical words. seem so beautiful. yet so ... indescribable. before camp. i have been gaming close to 15 hours aday. and now i kinda stop gaming. seems to lose its flavour. lost my attention. but talking to people. learning more about the ppl. exploring emotions. expericening new feelings. learning new things. those things are drawing me in. so.. invigorating. teh enjoyment of learning. the irony.... haha. i shell force myself to stop here. i really wish you all a merry christmas. try asking a loved one out this day. it really works wonders. no matter how much they claim its cliche or cheesy. a 'will you be mine this christmas' really works wonders. trust me. merry christmas
love kills slowly 7:05 pm
