the nights have always been the scary one... im still holding up quite well i must say. had 1 dream 2 nightmares.
first was holding her in my arms in bed. and when i woke up there was nothing. 2nd and third well i cant rmb now... but yeah they werent very pleasent.
funny how things work out... its always the big dates. it always has been. its no different. things dont just change cause u want them too. funny too how the only time we have properly texted was this morning. and how this morning was the only time she texted me this week. strange how things work out.
i now have established that i have no idea what is happening. i know for a fact that what i thought was to be has yet to be. and what is to come will be stranger still. this myraid of feelings i just quell.. with a simple mantra. now that im still in control dont give in to the feelings of dread not yet. and i just push it all away. for future me to handle.
when two ppl get tgt.. do they always have an end insight? i think not. i think we like to know that we wont end the relationship in sadness. but how can u stop trying just because u dont know if its possible. shouldnt we just keep fighting.. keep trying.?
i dont know what to do ya know. you ask me if i want to. i dont know. this really is probably how alice feels like tumling down the rabbit hole. with my headache it feels exactly like it. but sometimes words of inspiration do hit me.. and its true no matter how deep the rabbit hole. you'll eventually hit the ground.
sorry just dosent cut it you know. i like to thing im suffering and all. but i do need to pause and ask myself what about you. are you hurting too? part of me wants to know you bleed too. that you're the same as me. vulnerable. that we both gave ourselves to this. damn i need to stop saying this.. it still hurts so bad..
rmb just push it all away and talk about other things. when u finally crumble you can then give in to these feelings...
i need to convince myself more....
gaming works. but then again i mellowed myself out. i dont know what is this anymore.. so i decided not to think about it. this could work for now....
things that work.. not having contact. everytime u see something from her. its another stab to the heart. somehow today happens to be the only day i stop thinking of you. but you start thinking of me. strange huh..
the other low points of this exercise... is the lying. have to lie to parents to explain your absence. mom ask me to invite u to go MBS with us to eat tonight. buffett. i would have loved it if you could come. but ohwell. everything feels so blend. nothing inspires or tingles.. but i rather this then the wall of pain.
when i look back on my life... im really damn pathetic.. i read, and reread the past experiences. the things they said. the things i said. i dont know how much have i changed. i think not much at all. really. if this is it. if this is all there is to me will you still love me? what kind of person would really love me for who i am? whats the point.
ok this is bad. im starting to feel it. im starting to cave.. tonight might just be the last night before it all comes down. now i cant stop thinking why didnt you reply me. i should have just ignored you. let you feel bad on your own. i need to stop thinking about all of this. i need to stop breathing.
damn it. i am kinda worried about leaving the house for dinner. my chest is begining to hurt. my headaches are coming back. im starting to feel insecure about hmm i dont know what. my temples hurt. i dont want to say im done. cause if i give myself a finality or if i say goodbye. i'm afriad i'll never come back. fear...
i made it.. sort of. i learnt a few things. blasting loud music helps. talking still works. life may always give me the same shit.. but it just means i can learn to deal with it better.. cause i've been through it time and time again. remember what u said to yourself.. dont apply past experience on future hopes. ok u can do that but make sure u are discerning!. one things for sure my feelings for you are still the same.. i need to learn to tell when to say yes when to give in. and fight temptation. dont set urself up for failure..
go sleep. go rest. you need to recover.
remeber to delete all possible forms of contact. i know you.. you see one thing u will think think think become 5mil things. so what if shes tired but she appears on skype. so what if she comments on her facebook. so what if she change her status on anywhere. truth is you dont want to know. so dont be an idiot and fall for it.. you always do.. you're such a sucker.
xoxo past you.
