Barry's space!

Friday, July 30, 2010

fatigue

i'm just so tired. so very tired.

love kills slowly 10:29 pm

record

record new low in barrysville

love kills slowly 10:21 pm

eye of the storm

have i reached my eye of the storm? my calm ocean. my cove. my bay.

breathe in... and let everything out.

gone with the wind let everything go.

it was nobodys fault. yes you thuoght you could save her. but its not your fault.

its not my responsibility what happens. i just hope you'll get better.

maybe i really am thrown all this shit for a reason.. a purpose.

i hope i will find it. that one purpose.

give me the strength to learn from this experience.

let me go

love kills slowly 1:58 pm

Thursday, July 29, 2010

dont want

i want to stop thinking of you. i want to stop thinking if you're alright. stop thinking if you'll be ok. stop thinking if you'll be fine. stop thinking.

everything around me seems to scream you. help me forget everything.

its not that i miss you. its just that i'm worried abuot you.

its not anything i just dont know which particular emotion i should be feeling.

hurt? betrayed? lovesick? heartbroken? angry?

i really dont

please save me. i wish i had somebody to barry me.

love kills slowly 12:42 pm

direction

where will my spinning arrow point.

i know not which way to run. or which way to hide.

this way or that

obscured it is from me.

hidden from my sight.

reveal your directions

o great lighted one.

just as eagles soar from mountains high.

as the waves rise from the oceans deep.

thy light will be my guide

but now where shalt my light be found

take me from the deep dark night.

take me from whence the moon shines bright.

cast thee sacred circle around my heart

and protect me from thee.

protect me from the ravenous wolves.

the deadly adder and the vicious crow.

their shrieks and hisses push my heart asunder.

confused, corrupt my soul has come.

but with your true pure flame

purge my heart with your true name.

so that i shall be free again.

free to love the one again.

love kills slowly 12:32 pm

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

lost

what am i supposed to do? help me. save me. i really dont know what to do. i got no where to run. no one to talk to. this time i'm really in trouble. God help me. i'm really in trouble.

i thought i could save you.

what

i dont know what else is there

i cant save you one more time.

not now. not ever.

WHAT IS THERE TO DO NOW

i'm lost

incoherence

i'm hungry and i'm not. i feel tired and i cant sleep. i cant remember things that i said. i cant remember to do the things i wanted to do. i stare at my screen. and than what. i want to write but i cant. i want to read but its not drawing me. i want to be out with people but i cant. i want to feel but all i feel is you. this is crazy.

i dont know what to do. angels of heaven save me before the demons take me.

help somebody help me

where is my output. my escape. none left. no rugby. no music. no games. fuck me. i cant even drink if i wanted to. cant smoke if i wanted to. cant do shit. cant take drugs. cant take my life. cant anything.

love kills slowly 10:32 pm

delete

no more facebook. no tweeter. nothing. i only got you now blogger.. you always were here for me... through every single one of those heartbreaks. except now i wish it were so simple. if only it were a plain ole heartbreak. i dont know how to fly. i dont know how to soar. i dont know how to live again. i dont feel sad? i dont know i just dont know how to feel after such an experience. only ky jacq cheryl zie knows. so barry please dont tell anybody else. this part of you will be deleted from your life. slowly. but i must never

never

ever

never get with this girl.

the poison will rot out my soul and corrupt my whole being.

i cannot think of her or deal with her family. its too much baggage for me to deal with.

sorry aunty. sorry uncle. sorry da jie. sorry da jie fu. sorry bro. sorry my little sis.

i pray for your health and your happiness. and your future.

i pray for God's graciousness to fall upon you. i will never be in a position to judge if you the killer of her soul are a bastard but please O Lord give him grace. and be merciful on his soul.

i dont know how to move on from this

love kills slowly 6:54 pm

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

fish are sluts?

Big Japan
" All The Fish In The Sea Are Sluts Anyway "

Round and round in circles
I couldn't tell you why
Whenever you swim by i can't breath
Maybe i'm just drowning
And you're swimming around
I'm down, in the choral reaf
Oh how i wish
We were the kissing kind of fish
'cause you, you're always on my mind
But i feel like a fool
Waiting around for you
I must just be the sucker kind

Something about the way you shine in the light
You glow
Bright blue and pink in your cheeks i
Just wanted you to know
You're not just another fish in the sea to me

Finally got close enough to take a taste
Took a look
Saw a hook
In a piece of bait
And all at one i was
Ripped from the sea
I'm a fish out of water and i
Can't breath

Something about the way you shine in the light
You glow
Bright blue and pink in your cheeks i
Just wanted you to know
You're not just another fish in the sea to me

I was decieved
All along the pond was
Catch and release
So i'm a goldfish
'cause they've no memory
And i won't remember you
Forgot me

Something about the way you go
And the light
It fades away
And the sea is as dark as the night there's
Nothing i can say
You're not just another fish in the sea to me

lol

love kills slowly 9:50 pm

fmjl

why did you do this to yourself. you were alright den you did this. i'm sorry its myfault for not replying you. i was still thinking you would understand taht i'm stuck in the damn army and i was busy packing. i was still thinking maybe i should just forget it. and reply you.. sorry.

i was with you at the hospital. everyday. every moment. and everytime i cry when you're not looking. i cry cause you're hurting. cause you push me away. you kept asking me to go away. but i'll never leave. now just get better. i hope you dont read this.

i'm just doing this as a reminder of my life. i'll save it and not post it.. not now.

i love you. but my love for you grew. now i love you so much taht i just want to protect you. i dont need you to be mine anymore. i just need you to get better.

i'm so tired so drained. why cant somebody save me. dont lie to me. and just do what you said you will. bring me out. hug me. why say you will when you cant/wont.

at times we almost kissed. at times we almost hugged. but everytime i see you hurt i die a little inside. i dont want any of you to worry. not your family. not mine. i just nwant to see you get better.

kill my heart before it kills me. i cant keep loving every girl every dame every lady this way. its too painful. too tiring. too exhausting..

i love you i really do/did. now i dont know what to do. i'm lost. it almost feels like i've been taking care of you every day. and now without it i dont know what to do.

is there anything for me.. is there?

i wasnt in this for your love.

i was in this for you to live. for you to survive.

for you to love again.

dosent have to be me now.. just needs to be somebody who treasures you.

please be strong. i dont know what to say.

just get better.

i cant live if i knew something would happen to you cause i wasnt strong enough to be there for you. to save you. please get better.. i love you my sweet.

take care of your heart.. your mind.. your soul.. your body.

love kills slowly 8:18 pm

Sunday, July 18, 2010

:B

well jacq invited me to her sis welcome back party. which was awkward cause like i barely know them!! haha. but luckily i came cause i met this swimmer who was damn likable and hotttt.. lol didnt add her on fb leh.. but did think of her for a while. den one day just as i was about to step out the house to book in. jacq asked me to meet her for drinks with a friend! and that was how it all began.

so many things happened in between. it was a rollercoaster ride and i dont know how i survived. but in the end i just had to stick along. i couldnt leave. the thrill was too high. but the lows were too low.

went to hardrock with her one night. kind of a suprise last min type of thing. so went there drank the beer was happy. talking rot the whole night listening to the awesome music. so we paid and den she wanted another beer. so we got another. and even before drinking half of it. she knocked it over.... wth can. we only had a pint

soo embarresing can.. den she just kept staring at her phone while the guy helped us clean up her mess. i was cleaning her now beer smelling bag. (i think it still smells...eeee) yeah and the whole time she just stares at her phone. non apologetic to the guy or to anybody. trying to act all cool and shit. haha what an actor. so later the guy comes back with a full pint. haha she started laughing damn hard. its service wat and she kept saying we should do it again for a refill.. omg this kind of girl how ar. loll.

went to georges with her on another night. they reached before me. and she being emo ordered a graveyard.. sometimes i really do think girls are idiots. they go to clubs and shit and say get me the strongest or the most expensive cocktail. and poof a graveyard appears. they take a sip and they pour it away. -_- really... and i told you before if you wanna drink just wait for me i make sure i pick the right one for you.. not some graveyard. anyway her garang friend... tried to drink it and i think she was not there for the rest of the night. hugging the pillow... eee dunno how many drunk ppl hugged tt pillow or sat on it. did i mention she later puked into her beer glass.... den put it on the floor only to spill it over.. and the puke in the glass actually looked alittle like beer. with whatever she ate floating about like foam. you cant blame me for thinking it looked like that.. the bad lighting and the alcohol helps muddle alittle of your vision. lol. anyhow the funny thing that happened to her at georges was when she went to the toilet.. got a old man walking towards us. and the two of them decided to do the tango... dodge left dodge right. but ended up they dodge the same direction and his teeth hurt her forehead.. the TACK sound was damn loud can..i could hear it from behind her. the kicker was the old foggy. he two hands up to his mouth and said OW. yeah and the rest as they say is history. she kept on saying that the whole night... kept repeating the old man!! den she would start laughing.. haha shes cute when she laughs. or more like i feel satisfied when i see her laugh.

wanted to go out with her for dinner and send her home early. was downstairs when i saw this lady come down and open her letterbox. so was guessing it was her mom. only problem was that she kept staring at me like i'm some ghost. (which turned out i was cause she thought i looked like someone) when i finally met her we somehow ended up going to her sisters place for dinner. home cooked by her husband. it was a lovely place. nice feel to it. her sis and her husband are nice people and we had a laugh talking and enjoying the very nice Vietnamese roll. than she made me watch some film with that edward guy as the actor. than after that sent her home. and had a ugly night alone at home.

wore my NO. 4 to meet her had to go for ndp.. went to bishan agisan for lunch.. and if i never mentioned it before i never did like Agisan. and she brought me there and it was teh first time in forever. lol. so well i think its overrated but yeah i dont hate it anymore. but i think it was cause of the night before but i couldnt eat much. had only half a bowl of the noodles. dinner at the ndp was fail.. and i had only a small bite. supposed to meet the guys for drinks that night. but canceled. i feel like quiting drinking. so just went home and stayed there. talked to her and stuff.

went to the airport with her. had lunch at the kopitiam. $8 hokkian mee is big. but after we had it it didnt seem so big.. so decided to go find the staff canteen to eat tou huey.. she dosnet belive me there is a T1 staff canteen. but i couldnt find it anyway. so we went to T2. she being the genius she is brought us one round the wrong place... i insisted to her its not here but she just wouldnt listen. so finally we went there and seeing all the food there we started getting hungry and wanted to order more. luckily we perservered and only had our tou huey and tou huey zhui. went to T3 to walk abit. but after wakling for like 10 mins. she saw BK and suddenly said she wanted to go BK. this happening after we walked past the T2 BK for like umpteen times.. i dont know what to do with this girl. so we about turned and back track all the way to T2 AGAIN. loll. if i didnt enjoy my time spent with her... sigh. anyhow at BK she kept complaining about some sweat smell. turns out somebody was wearing a dri fit shirt. i thought it was the girl infront of us. but little did i know sitting just 3 meters away was this fat old man in a dri fit shirt. so i guess it wasnt her.. haha. we ordered some wings and a drink.. and i realised with that money i could have bought a double turkey bacon meal... the drink which they insisted was medium was no bigger than my hand... fml.. finished in 2 sips.. so that was that. haha told her we could always go bedok 85 to eat wings if she wanted and she just kept nodding. so her brother was arriving at the airport from Jakarta that day so we went to find her parents at the arrival hall. first meet was slightly awkward just a wave and a hi and a she tore us to some distance away. we sat on some benches slightly out of sight. and started talking. waited for almost an hour before her brother came. i properly/formally introduced myself and her dad asked a few questions about me. later on i congratulated her brother for coming in first in the bowling competition. than they went to dinner and i left. apparently i made a good enough impression to be talked about behind my back during dinner time. haha. her brother thinks i'm an ah beng -_- well she looks like an ah lian.. what with her golden locks... lol. so its a cab and cal thing. lol. well her side of the family kinda likes me. but i guess the question is... do you?

love kills slowly 10:38 pm

wish

when you wish upon a star. it makes no difference who you are. when you wish upon a star dreams do come true..

love kills slowly 9:53 pm

oh i think i fell

what to do now that you're on my mind. the heady feeling. the heat in my heart. everyday is a brand new experience. everyday is a brand new feeling. so exciting. i want to know more about you. about the people around you. about the people who brought you up. the people who hurt you. the people you love and loved. want to hold you everyday. tuck you in every night. and in the morning tell you everythings going to be alright.

the waves of emotion are all around me. drowning me in its depths. throwing my head back and forth. though tossed and turn in the waves. i look upon you as my beacon of light. my lighthouse. you guide me through whatever storm that comes. and when i finally reach the warm sandy beaches. i'll be there lying in your arms.

its a crazy feeling and i'm starting anew. we may stumble and fall. we may cry and weep. we may wither and die. but we'll pull through. as sure as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. as sure as the burning flames of passion rebirth the phoenix from the ashes of death. we'll come back. and we'll be stronger. i promise you happiness. i promise you me.

i'm ready to try. ready to be here. ready to be strong for the two of us. and i pray that destiny will turn its face upon us. i want my world to accept you. and i want your world to accept me. and together we'll be an unstoppable force. the world will have no choice but to face us and treat us as rightful entities. worthy of love. our fates have collided. and the victor i hope is us.

think of this as a shout out to the world. the winds of change are upon you. and i hope to be the one by your side.

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU

be mine.

P.S. destiny decided for you to look at me

love kills slowly 7:13 pm

destiny decided i should look the other way.

I am going to stay anonymous. ;)

love kills slowly 2:08 am

Saturday, July 17, 2010

DEATH

during AI field camp the fan in the veh exploded. my whole pants is burnt with bits of melted plastic and shit. haha damn crazy. lucky i could tank the blast tgt with my 2ic helmet. siao if not for us the whole veh die.!!! siaooooo. lucky to be alive. it was a metal piece the shrapanel will kill me. cause it would pierce a major artery in my left tigh.!!!! teigh,... i cant spell tight...

i met a girl. she tot me to love again. when i first talked to her i tot it would be super casual. but i fell for her. and i loved her. i still do and i dunno wat to do about her. i love her. but she still loves him more. how do i convince her i am the one for her. fuck me and my life but i love her.

i love you so much kill me.