to think i've put off blogging for teh fear that i'll write hurtful things. to think that i didnt mention anything about waht we said. for fear of revealing secrets. and there she goes. writing shit all over her blog. this is just great ^^ to think i loved her so much. that she can just hrut me like this. so easily. ((: i'm losing it. i think. maybe. hahaha. i nver used a harsh word on her. and there she goes. FUCKING LOSER all over the place. hahaha. act cool. u gotta be daft to think that was cool. lol. well what ever it is. hope it makes u happy. moving on!!! slowly surely. maybe. LOL. so much for being bigger than everything so dun scold back. dun swear. dun do shit. i bet if anybody else was in my shoes they would beat her. i know. cause ppl say it alrady. ((: and she dont appreaciate it. oh wells... zz (: goood bye cruel world!

i'm hurt. i admit it.. we were supposed to be friends. many atimes i just wanted to walk over and say hi. the few times i did. u gave me a greater-than-thou look. and barely replied. today was the last straw when u called me childish. maybe i should have kept my cool. but i guessed its over now. looks like theres no more chance of anything happening. no more friends. nthing. really wished things could have worked out. sorry? would it work. i tried to move on. i tried. but everytime i saw u it hurt. i do try. i read ur blog. was it about me? that u wished i open up abit? so many guesses here and tehre. but i guess u'll never look at me the same way. i loved you. you were more than anything i had ever had in my life. you were someone so significant and special. even though it was just three months. it was the greatest three months i ever had. now we're like this. i wish we really could still be friends. maybe i should have plucked up the courage and smsed u one day and said hi! how are u :) would everything be different? would it.. i've never felt this way before. everyday since that fateful day has been a blur. i cant tell the difference between dreams and life. when i ask myself what happened the other day. i have to think twice to even remember wat happen..why did you hurt me so much. it could have been the sweetest goodbye. though there will be tears.. at least we wouldnt be the way we are now. i should have blogged earlier. this blog will always be full of hurt and regrets. just like the way u said it. but i guess u were something special that happened. if u read this i hope u'll just think about it. and just forgive me. u know i can never hate u. its just the way i am. u'll always be somebody special. a place in my heart. maybe no longer romantically. but u were a milestone. goodbye. goodbye. i just hope we can still be friends. maybe 6 months down the road. we will stilll see each other in school. so instead of spoiling our sch life lets just be friends. somehow. i dunno what am i writing about. i just noe that inside. somethings happening. i dunno wat. i wish someone knew. if something bad happens to me. dun blame urself. nobody noes wat tmr brings. all i know is i cant tell the difference in tmr and today. i need to move on.. and fast. i cant keep being like this. i hate being emo. i'm not an emo person. i'm actually a very happy positive trusting person. i hate how i've becomed. i wish u'ld just tell me that we can do this.. that somehow.. something will work. i need to move on. i've tried. i'm just getting more tired. and i realiese i cant carry all this thigs by myself. i cant keep piling commitments on myself. i'm killing me. if i keep running these thoughts in my head. it'll be a matter of time before i do it. i need to stop thinking i'm hurt. stop thinking about anything. i'm numb. i want to build walls arund me. i did that once and it sucked. it sucked not being able to feel. for anybody. i'm someone hu lives on care. i cant love anybody now. i really cant. i'll just hurt u and hurt myself. i need to move on. thank you for being somebody. it really was great knowing you. its just me. its my fault for this shit. i need to let go. its hard barry but u have too. i cant control myself anymore. our anniversary is coming up. the day we got tgt. the day we broke up. my life is a mess. all the pain is somewhere. it comes when i'm ok. and it dissapears when i want to let it all out. whats wrong with my life. if this is some master plan.. well this plan blows.. life? love?.. all lies.. i give up. i wanna give up on everything. i'm not thinking coherently. i'm feeling pain. i'm feeling like a failure. even if u didnt say all those things.. i already feel like a loser. a failure. even rugby. something i thought will nver fail. at the most critical moment. i get injured. i didnt hook any ball. the coach thinks its my fault. i'm screwed. nth in life is working for me. nth. i dun feel love radiating from my family. the only ppl who know and are there for me are my friends. i dun feel god's love. friends will be there for you and all. but love? i dunno. i wanna die. like suicide die. even if i dun die. maybe a car accident that lends me in a coma would do just fine. i need to change my life. i need to hcange everything. why am i so tursting. how do you not love fully? how do you love 90%. i really doubt i can achieve that. i dunno how. love somone 90% and keep 10 for yourslef.? i cant do that.. i dunno how. i just give 130% and den die when its over. it happened once and its happening again. life kill me. strike me down. turn me to stone. fuck emo. fuck teh world. fuck suicidal thoughts. i dun want to slit my wrist. its damn stupid. i need to move on. help me pls. god anybody. i give up. i'm not that strong. i need to breathe. i need to wake up. form this psychological coma. a levels are nxt year. i need to study. i need to wake up. sutdy study... shoot me somebody. i just want to run away. be a coward and run away from everyhting this life has to offer. i want to disappear. sleep and never wake. fuck it... fuck it all. i hate wat i've becomed. good bye. good bye eveybody. it hurts too much. i'll try to move on. one more time. fuck this me. fuck this. move on..