im really feelign better.. i wonder how about you? hows the shopping? awesome? you havent had the time to spend with your friends and family. i was selfish. i guess it was pretty much like me going to army. that period. i would have acted differently. but fundamentally i was selfish. its strange really. like i know soo many things. i always have all this head knowledge. they either a) dont appear. or b) dont form a proper train of thought. i.e no matter what the case i just couldnt apply my past experiences or the correct situational actions to the appropriate tasks at hand. i dont know why theres such a disunity of thought in my life. like now i think about it outside of this situation. when i place myself outside the environment. i can see things somewhat clearer. like i know what i could have should have done. i know that certain things i could have done better. its just weird. like now i know.. more atleast.. like i really knew i just had to be there and strong for you. but i just dont know how to apply it.. like why some days i ask you to take the time off just have alone time. casue i know thats what you need to recharge. i ask about your day and all that casue i wanted to encourage you and feel the empty gaps in between. just not saying anything feels weird.. maybe thats just the difference. i know now that i should have just talked. about my life about what i was doing. just talk. let you listen. let you feel detached. just talk while you listen. it could have been about anything.. rambling really. casue i know that feeling. cause i too at times just want to hear you talk and not say a word. i kinda do. you know? i cant hold a proper train of thought.. i dont know why. like soo manythings i want to say now. and then.. but i just get lost by the distractions.. all the noise.. you know why i asked you to play l4d2? rmb that time when we played. the first round i was just blazing through.. then i said hey you take the lead. cause i wanted to be there behind you! let you know i got yourback. no worries dont worry i got you. i was soo happy when you said you enjoyed yourself. and you did sound so much happier. and i was happy. i think that was the one real thing i did right... i wonder if you think so.. im not entirely useless.. i have my moments of inspiration.. i really want to play l4d2 with you.. the thing is i want to play it with you not because i want to play... but because i want to make you happy. i rather just not game ya know? i never felt like this with another girl. i guess it makes me feel good too. to know that im soo awesome and i can take care of my gf.. its my way of being your knight in shining armor.. cept this is hero covered in guts and gore.. and you're zoey.. or rochelle. haha. im really starting to feel better now. like it seems brighter.. i can do this... i can. be more then this. can be more mature.. perhaps im growing stronger.. sometimes i feel like my past experiences. i dont fully remember... ok i know i dont remember everything. cause sometimes when i read back my old posts or the like... i, i dont always remeber everything. i regret many things... i really do.. but whats the point whining about the past when the future is upon us and the present is for us to change.. i can change. i must. nobody wants to date a child. a sad person. a loser. i always fantasise about apocalyptic events.. cause i know for sure i can be a leader and i can save the group. and i got the skills to survive. like i can save and protect the ones i love. i know i can. thats probably why i always play those fantasy games. or read those books. cause i know. i am a hero. i know i can do all that. but in this world i feel so inadequate like im limited. im lesser. its weird.. sometimes i think i should go see a psychiatrist. I Am better. I can be better. I will be better. most of all i should start now.