Thursday, May 03, 2007
ok i've been quiet for too long.. gotta tell u all how i am rite =p
well been feeling really lonely. confused. desperate?
really mixed up la..
i'm trying really hard to not to think of her, but all i can think of is how much i want to be part of her life. how i want to say great that finally u got ur specs! how it looks nice on you. all these things i'll never be able to say. i cant bring myself too. i dont know. afraid? of what? i dunno. just glad you're happy and all.
i really need to learn to love myself. all that love i have.. i need to give it to myself. and i need to stop being so reliant on the whole physical touch thingy.. i need to be less paranoid.. less everything. i just need to chill. just stop thinking. stop moving. stop feeling. den i can have a better look of the world. i need to take a step back. breathe. and jump head first into life. learn all over again. i just want a normal life. =/ really. just a normal life. no need to have a life ppl will be envious off. no need. just ur average joe. i dont need to be a knight. nor a politician. i dont have to be anything. i just want to be barry. me. leading a descent life. boring? maybe. no need super things. just normal.. but what is normal? what is real ? =/ lol.
anyway. i need to treasure my friends more. still working on the talking to friends thingy. cause i dont talk to anybody at home. i realise i dont call ppl and talk. or sms or anythign. not that i'm asking all of u to sms me.. once in a while is ok. cause i dont want to over shoot.. life is like slow. sooo slow.. everyday is like one long tired jog.. its just dosent have anythign to look forward too. nothing worth fighting for. and i'm not doing anything about it. i'm just saying i'll do it tomorrow. i got zero motivation. zero purpose. just living each day. cause i have too. sometimes when i think abuot what i becomed after all this. i realised i was really on the verge of madness. like suicide?? how can sia.. but really.. so many times it really feels like i cant carry on. i just didnt know how too. when i think of those ppl who commited suicide. if they were in my shoes.. they defintely would take the plunge. my parents are not the least helpful. and at that point of time my whole life i nver really shared with anybody except for her. i dont know why i'm typing this but the first and only time i cut my wrists in my entire life was because of my parents. they never tried to understand my life. never did try to take intersts. that was the only and the last time i cut my wrists. but than they'll never know. i realised that ALOT of things that were personal that happened to me. nobody knows.. excpet for her. soo many things.. things that if u all knew. u would cringe. when i'm home i barely communicate with my family. i dont know. i'm ashamed of myself infront of my parents. when i say paranoid you all may think its because of her. but it goes way beyond and before i met her. ever since i was a child. i was paranoid. just htat you all dont know only. i live in fear. constant nagging fear. afraid of what ifs. now its not really like a fear. its just a nagging problem. im not so afraid of it. but its still there. if u only knew what my life was like. i really wonder if the pain or the feelings i feel is normal. alot of times. i really doubt its normal. its scary. being called a loser? well she called me a loser. some pri sch kid called me a loser. i think i'm a loser. i can perform well in anything. what have i done well in life? nth.. not a thing. death is the easy way out? death has too many consequenses. but ive always been curious. if one day. i'm lying in the hospital. who would visit me. who would geniuely care. who really love me. and if i die. would there be ppl crying for me? i dont know. i dont think this type of thoughts should be going through a pri sch kid. cuase this was the type of thing that went through my brain when i was in pri sch.. its pretty scary to think i'm like this. my lifes pretty screwed up. once i managed to build up a wall around my heart. and it was a cold place. and i swore never to go down that dark road again. i couldnt even cry. it was tt devoid. my lifes full of extreames. soo many crazy things happened to me before. that when i look back i get dazed and think omg that cannot be me. my lifes shit.
good luck in making it better.
love kills slowly 10:06 pm
