Thursday, April 19, 2007
i feel like crap. feel so constipated with emotions. i dont know wat to feel. i just feel so URRGHHH!!!11
i just want to run and scream at the top of my lungs round and round. let it all out. cause theres something stuck inside me. inside this cage called me. this demon. and i need to let it out. before it eats me from the inside and consumes my soul. i want to break out of this cage called me. i want to run as hard as i can. jump as high as i can. i want to escape. i want to feel. feel alive. i need to know i'm alive. need to know that life still goes on. that i can still live for something. it feels like theres nothing to live for. everything has no meaning. no purpose. i go to sch. feel giddy. sleep in class. i cant go for rugby. and nth seems right. nothing. i want to fly. fly away from everything. i want to run away.. im so tired. my body just wants to lie down to sleep. but the period before i sleep. when i lie down there with my eyes closed are the hardest moments. the demons come and haunt my every thought. i want to run. escape. i want to let go. now i look back. last week was great. how did i do it. how did i go through each day without thinking of her. den now this. too much. too much for me to take. something will explode sooner or later. i went to sch feeling like shit. i swear i'm hurting somewhwer. but i dunno where. it must be. something is happening inside. something. i just need to know wat. cause this feeling sucks. i want to let everything out. SCREAM and scream. scream for ice cream. scream... i'm tired of feeling this. let go move on. how many times have my friends told me that. how many times have i told myself that. everytime i keep thinking i have. but nooooo few days down the road i'll feel like crap. i cant take this. i want to run. away. die. fly. anything. get lost.. i want to get lost. i wish i had love to keep me company. now i feel empty. sometimes i feel so mixed up. anger. bitterness. why? why? why cant i just let it all go. fuck it all. fuck it.. i want to scream. but all i can do is type it out. cause the world wont let me. just leave me be. i thought u said u needed time alone.. well me too. dont u see. i'm sick. i'm tired. i'm lost. i'm not as strong as u. please. just leave me. i dont care about anything anymore. i've got a headache. its pounding. i'm too tired to care. care about anything. nothign matters. my life is like a plate. FLAT. no meaning. nothing. i cannot be bothered. i'm too tired. take me out somebody. anybody. date me. anything. i need out. i need release. i want to spin round and round. i want to stand in a fountain. i want to jump into the sea. i want to fly on wings of hope. i want to look up into the sky and SMILE. laugh at everything. love the world. i hate what i've becomed. i'm too tired. i cannot take this anymore. have u ever thought that death was the only way out. that u couldnt see anything more after this. like this is the end. after this everything is just like a big black void. have u thought bout those ppl who commited suicide? wats their reasons? they wanted to run away. they wanted release and freedom. some how i feel like i've tick everything there is to be checked on the list. like i've completed every single prerequiste there is to complete before having a reason to justify to urself to commit suicide. why am i down this slippery slope again? why? why i ask myself. why do i feel this way. havent i got over this shit? havent i? why must i feel like tihs. i'm so tired. i want to run to someplace where i can disappear for ever. i want to a savage land and be taken care of by natives. where i can go some place and learn a new culture new everything. meet new people. be put in a whole new place where i dont even understand their language or culture. den recover in the wilderness. in that tranquiltiy i'll heal. and be whole again. learn to love. cause i had enough of this cruel morden world. i feel so sad. i feel so cold. i feel so devoid of anything and everything. my only release is rugby. the mud. the pain. the rush. the rawness. raw power. but its like a drug. and now i'm sick and i cant even enjoy my only release. will somebody please take me. take me and hold me tightly in their arms. i'm tired. i need somebody. something. anybody. i need a pet? something i dont care. have u lied down on ur bed at night. and feel so hurt. that u scratched and tear at ur chest just to ease ur pain. u tuck at ur hair hoping that u'll stop thinking and u hit urself hard just to tell urself to shut up. to stop thinking. and it just goes on and on. and after that for that few minutes. u find urself in a void. feelingless. not thinking. and thats where i want to be every night. cause thats where i find all my release. that quiet feeling. calm and serene. i got soo many demons inside of me. and i want to kick them all out. the thing is i'm not sure if the real demon is me. cause what ever i do. whatever i'm doing whatever i'm thinking.. i cant take it. its me. my mind. i want to take a spoon and scoop out my mind. scoop out my heart. and just throw it all away. den everything will be so quiet. so peaceful. i'm doing my best. to do what i not know. for the pain is greater than wat i can bear. i want to run back into time. turn it all back. back to the days where swords and literary gab was all a man needed. i sweet tongue. quick wit. and a quicker hand. thats the life i was meant to live out. fighter and a scholar. its even the meaning of my name. so what am i doing? mending a broken heart? wtf. and the thing is i'm not even mending it.. its just broken and i'm trying to let it heal by itself. i'm just hoping that someday someone will kiss it to life. someone can carass it. hold it tight. and breathe life back into my heart. its cold. so cold out here. alone. theres nobody. my life is so empty. maybe i really need to see a professional. a doctor.. cause i cant do this alone. oh god. please . end this suffering for me. whatever way u want to end it. cause the pain is too much for me to bear. i'm so tired. just so tired. ease me back to the earth from which i sprung out from. ashes to ashes dust to dust.. the flash will one day go back to the earth and nourish the next generation. how bout today. that day will come sooner or later. i'm so angry so bitter. when i just want to find peace. i need to find the peace in my heart. i need to. i need to love myself. i need to learn to grow. grow with everything. follow the world. swim with the tide. flow. glide. be free. i feel so captured. so much of a captive. i just want to spread my wings and fly. and know taht u'll awalys just want me to be happy. to take care of me. from afar. let me fly. fly away. cause i cant stay in this nest anymore. i'm too big. i want to fly away. to a new place. i need fresh. new. need to be renewed. good bye. good by.e
give me peace.
love kills slowly 8:09 pm
