whose fault is this. its just a lousy tie. "forget him, he aint worth it." HUH? i dont get it. what did i do to u? what did u say? what did u say that made ur friends say that? waht did i do? did i cheat on u? i didnt do nuts. i didnt do anything that could have made me not worth it and all. waht did i do? whose fault is this. omg i cant take this stress. all i ever wnated was a girl to love and care for. and now this happens to me... i cant take this shit. last 2 days. somehow i manage to be happy. i dont know. now its all crumbling. i cannot take this. i'm not that strong. i'm not worth it? waht did i do to you? its not like i cursed and swore at you. its not like i said hurtful words to you. i apologised. i'm supposed to be bigger than this. but i dunno how long i can keep this font up. i cant be a gentleman anylonger. i really dunno how to. why am i such a sucker for principles and morals. what if i one day just screamed at you. let ppl say wat they want to say. show u that i'm not sum pushover. you said once upon a timel. you wanted me to be a man that could hold his head up high in adversity. now when i try to. you hit me below the belt. i cannot stand strong if the ppl whom i thought once loved me are the ones hurting me. why are u so cruel? cant u just dont be so cruel? cant u stand up for me? why do i do this. why do i do so much. why do i keep getting hurt in this process. i cannot take this anymore. oh god. anybody. you meant so much to me that i would have sold my soul to the devil just to be with you. wahts wrong with me. you're corrupting me. my mind. my soul. every part of me. i dunno wats true to me anymore. everything hurts. and i dun think its because of a broken finger. i really want to be whole again. but you and your friends keep doing this things to me. did i treat him rudely or anythign? wat did i do to him. i offer him advice. and even apologised to him when i thought i may have been a little harsh. and he does these things? now i'm a nobody to you? i'm a loser. what else. its not that i keep harping on the pain. its taht you keep giving me new pain. what did i do to you. my whole life is crumbling. and all i can do is watch it fall. i want to grow. to get over this. to wake up. to not live in this void. i cannot tell the difference in anything anymore. all i can think of is now. what am i feeling. now. sometimes i'm happy. most times i'm sad. and i hate it. i never was an emo sort of person. not outwardly anyway. so just stop hurting me. how many times must you make me tear. how many times must i appear weak. how many times do i have to look away from everything just to hide my tears and say i'm ok! just tired. how many more times must i say i'm just tired. why. why. somebody. anybody. i need help. i'm willing to seek help. but nothing seems to work. you keep hurting me. when will you stop? what more do you want from me. must i die to make you fully pleased? cause everyday my resolve is weakening. i'm falling from grace. falling from everything. from myself. i dont recognise me anymore. i always look haggard. i always look tired. always with a tinge of sadness. deep in my heart. even when i laugh and tell jokes. inside i feel horrid. sometimes after i laugh. all i want is to just cry. i'm getting so weak. i bet if you saw this you'll laugh. cause u've been using soo many hurtful words on me. that i'm a wimp. childish. loser. enough. enough is enough. what more do you want. if you want me to die. say it. just say it. cause by you saying it. i'll finally have the resolve to jump. what a great irony it would be if i jumped at yishun mrt. i bet you'll curse hus the idiot hu commit suicide. and you'll curse and swear. but after you find out its me. i dunno how you'll feel. regret? sorrow? hurt? i dont know. why do you always do stuff you'll regret. some ppl are stubborn. by letting go is the only way to make them happy. but after you let go. they realise how horrible it feels and come back.. or not. they may just get so comfortable in that low life of party pleasures. and never come back. you were someone i held so dear in my life. you were more than anything i could have imagined. if right now. or maybe at four in the middle of the night you called. and said you were in trouble. i would come and get you. until now. no matter how hard it may hurt i'll always be here for you. a promise i've made to myself for each and every girl that ever mattered in my life. maybe that makes me everybodys boyfriend. but who cares. as long as i dun feel guilty. as long as i feel that i've given my all. and have no regrets. i'll do it. give 90% and keep 10% to love yourself. i dont believe that. even if i do. i dunno how to do it. i just cant imagine me not loving a person all the way. i know.. giveing my 130% wasnt teh right thing. but at least now i wont say i shuold have given more. even though it leaves me so empty that i cant fend for myself. but i know i've not regreted. i, love, you. its something i said to you. what did it mean? it meant that i'll protect you. always. it meant that somehow something about you would always call out to me. maybe a year from now i can just look at you and not feel pain. i can say hi and not be afraid. i can hear u bitch about your new boyfriend and just offer advice. cause thats what happend btw me and my first. i'll always be there for you. both of you. its something i cannot help. if anybody else wants to try loving me. dont. dont tell me all sorts of romantic stuff. that you wont change me. you wont change the way i love you. you'll just love me. i cant believe you. no matter how hard i want too. sorry. really sorry. i wish somehow i could be sure of myself that i can love again. fully. truely. how much i want to hold someone. i need a pet. something or someone i know that will always be there for me. cause nothing in my life i know will always be here for me right now. no one. nothing. my computer is not always there fro me. rugby does not alwys stand by me. music can never be there always. nothing. even dead objects like this can stand by me. what mroe real living breathing creatures of this world. i really wish somehow that i could disappear. get involved in a car accident and enter a coma. and when i wake up. i'll know who really loves me. cause that will be the first person i see. my one true love. whoever you are. i'm waiting for you to rescue me. to pull me close in your loving arms. to always love me and cherish me. to never live me. i know that someday i'll find you. and i'll never feel broken again. cause we'll stand strong. side by side. romantic notions it maybe. but i believe. even if i lose all faith in lvoe. in life. in god. there must be something that is real. life cannot possibly be full of varibles that never stand by you. there must be something that will be constant. there has to be. there has to be. denial? maybe. but i believe. right here right now. i believe with my whole heart. someone. will stand up for me. god send me your angel. an angel with tender loving care. to make me better. to heal my broke heart. and my shattered soul. heal the body and heal the spirit. heal me. make me whole again. someone out there. you have this labourious task. i'm sorry for making you go thourgh all this shit with me. but i'm sure it would be worth it. cause even with all the pain now. i can still say. its been swell. (: and i would go through all this pain just experince this again. it was an experience. when i say things i mean it with my whole heart. when that one fine day i told you that i'll be your man i'll have a family with you. that day. i really believed. i really told myself to believe that a relationship beyond school would have been possible. guess not. cause not long after that. everything crumbled. i really wish i could have the strength to stand up for myself. maybe.. but i'll never do taht. not that i'm afraid. because of the fact that once upon a time. i did love you. with my whole heart. (: you were worth it. yes you were. sorry guys. all my friends who try so hard to make me see. i'm sorry. she'll alwyas be special. and i'll still stand up for her. cause i'm a loser. a failure. but at least my consious is clear. good bye. i feel much better now. guess penning your thoughts work. sigh.