Saturday, June 09, 2007
ARRRH!!!1 I cant take this shit anymore. i hate it. i hate what god is throwing at me. if this is his idea of character building. he can give it to someone else. one problems not enough? why cant you just let me let it go. what this is some sort of joke? just for fun i'll give him another problem while he still hasnt settled his first one. WTF
i cant fucking take it anymore. theres only so much i can convince myself. and after that i cant. FULLSTOP I CANT FUCKING DO IT. what must i do to stop feeling all of this. ALL OF THIS EVERYTHING. let it go damn it. i curse and swear so much at you. why dont you just strike me down. or turn me to stone or somthing. it'll fucking end my problems and yours.
the only reason that prevented me from being suicidal at first is the only reason why i can do it now. she wont know now. sort of anyway. she wont be directly link and therefore she wont blame herself. now what? every night for the past week.. i lie in bed and it sucks. outside of the house i look like a dejected boy. i'm so down. so for a lack of word depressed. i hate it. WTF is WRONG with me..
why cant i let it go? let it all go? what did i do last time that helped me forget everything. i dont want to be like this forever. i want to stop this shit. her birthday's the day after tmr. i wont forget. i can never forget.. i need out. i need to break free. i need to stop having thoughts in my mind. i need to stop thinking that it is still possible btw the two of us. i need to stop thinking of ways to get her back. i need to stop thinking of her.. i hate it. i love her. she'll always have a part of my heart. but not like this. i dont want to hate her. i love her. but i know the love will change. but i just want it to change now. i want to be able to look at her knowing that it was the greatest moments in my life having her by myside. but at the same time be happy for her cause shes happy. why cant i do that.
i'm lost in emotions? lost in translation? lost. it hurts so much. and nobody understands. maybe i pour my heart out to the wrong people. but time and time again. i keep thinking of the word friends. i dont even think i have any that i can call friends the way people look at it. i dont share with them anything of my private life. and they barely share me theirs. i dont know what a friend is all about cause the differences they make are sometimes neglible. i dont know if it would have been any different if i shared my soul with my friends. i know that proablly i'll be a much better person. better social skills. but i dont know.
family? my family is more of like a need. i just need the money they provide. the rooft. the bed. the water. none of my family members know whats going on in my life. aren't parents supposed to be there for your kids? i blame my parents for our relationship we have. come home scold. nag. who says i dont appreaciate them. i do. i know that if not for them i wont even have a computer to type this out. to have a handphone. to have clothes. to have money. i do. i respect them.. sort of. its more intrinsic. i guess. i dont know. all i know is i hate it all the time when my parents ask about my relationships. they'll go better dont have and all sorts of shit. and when they find out its over they say good. wtf. makes me want to shout fuck you in their faces. i hate them for not knowing me. they dont know how i lvoe. dont know. fuck it fuck it all.
i hate it. i hate this me. i've tried everyway of fixing this problem. i've approached it. i've done almost everything.. i even went for counciling. but its not working. nothing is. i'm still as broken as ever. still as distraught as ever. i'm hurt. broken. and i need somebody to heal my aching soul. i'm really a mess. the greatest mess of shit you can see. i know that there are other people who are worst of than me. but how many are there. that are still alive? everytime i think of suicide. i think of that kid who jumped cause his teacher wanted to expose his bgr to his parents. something small like that and he jumps? i rmb all those times long time ago. all the news reports of ppl jumping. i rmb failure at work. girlfriend broke up with him. all sorts of crap. and i think. hell if anyone of them were in my shoes. i/they would be dead by now. what for tolerate all this crap.
i need something to hold onto. something. someone? no.. i cant drag another into my sorry life. i want to enter a relationship? but i know that i cant. not now.. i'll hurt them. i dont want to. and i'm afraid that the same thing happens again. that we break up just before my exams. i hate it.
i cant do this ever again.. i'm in pain.
love kills slowly 11:29 pm
