Sunday, August 05, 2007
so recently i've been doing nonsencial posts about nothing. meaningless really. but yeah.... hmmm
well i need songs for 1.. i need to stop going on the computer. i need to study. tts for sure.
so lets do this.
Blog:
so i've been feeling depressed. low. yah.. emo basiacally. dun really know wats going on with me actually. just feel low. lonely. nobody seems to know what is the problem. so i'm quite lost really..
but i do try to keep a positive attitued. but its definitely not working. so i'm ok most of the time. but when night falls someitmes i really feel sad.. emo. sorry for myself. pity.. but i hate it. i really hate feeling sorry for myself.
you have no idea how much i hate self pity. the feeling that u feel dat everybody is against u. that ur life really sux comparede to other ppl. i dun like it.. feels so childish. and all. so when that happpens i just tell myself to get a grip. but yah i still go on feeling sorry for myself. about how my life could have been so much better. why do i keep thinking of stuffs like how i wish my parents would treat me better. or atleast wish for a better relationship with ppl. den when i'm down at nite. i thik of my freinds. or ppl who are around me at least. i dont know if i can call them friends. i have lots of aquaintances. but freinds? good friends? close friends? i dun think so. i dun call ppl to tell them my problems. i dun do that its just not my kind of thing.
so i end up keeping it in. i do want to talk to ppl. many ppl around me have encouraged me to start sharing my life. to start opening myself up to the ppl who are around me. cause even though i doubt it they do care for me.. but i just dont want to trouble them. i dun want to burden them with my probelsm. just weird. den when i think of telling someone my problems i just worry about their reactions. the way they will keep telling me things. and all. i dunno. not only that i worry about ppl when they listen too. keep quiet all the time. i dunno. i end up talking to myself. alot. way alot. everynight jsut talk to myself. and i guess i get too comfortable with that in a way. thats why i'm afraid of sharing with others.
someitmes i wish for many things. someimtes i wish nth happened. and most of the time i wished i had a normal life. somehow it feels like i lead a different life. 1 not everybody goes through. and when i write it out and all. its easier too see whats wrong. like how thats self pity again. sort of anyway. and its terrible. i just keep trying to lose myself day after day after day.
i go on the com for mindless escapism. most of the time i'm just staring at the screen. the com gives me little. but takes away from me everything. it destroys so much of my life. time i could have spent studying.
and i just spent the time saying how i'm wasting my time. sigh.. damn loser sia..
i guess i really am..
u know many times i think of being in lvoe. love being in love or jsut lvoe.. i dun mind having love around me. i really like it. some sort of sick obsession. lol.. than at times when i see couples i go aww. lol.. at times i jsut wish i didnt have to see it. though those times are long gone. but u never know. hahha.
i just wish i had someone somthing to care for. lol. help me sign a petition to get my paretns to buy me a cat! muahaha. ((:
i want a cat!!!!!! hahah. see ya.
love kills slowly 9:37 pm
