Saturday, September 16, 2006
the pain never ends.
it only gets burried.
only to resurafce to hurt u again.
only to be burried again.
the cycle never ends.
i dont want you anymore.
go away.
please.
it hurts too much.
i still love you.
but it hurts too much.
its over.
we may talk a year from now.
but now.
just go away.
get on with your life.
how do you get over someone who was part of your life.
every event in my secondary school had you in them.
even if i try to forget.
things just pop up to remind me of you.
i want to forget.
everything.
it hurts too much.
too many tears have fallen.
too much scars have been made.
pain is lodged in my heart.
and it only serves to remind me of the past.
these scars, these wounds.
i cant get over you.
but i need to.
my exams are coming.
why could'nt you wait till after my exams.
you did this to me for my o's.
now you're doing this to me for my promos.
what more do you want.
go away.
i dont hate you.
i cant.
just walk away.
turn your back on me.
just let me see you walk away.
i'll always look over my shoulder to see if you're there.
but i dont want to see you there.
cause it'll hurt.
the intital moments of happiness disappear.
its over.
you said it yourself. so dont come back.
i'm trying to forget you.
i wish i could.
but i know i'll never forget.
i want to die.
the pain claws at me.
its as if i've been straped spread eagle against a rock in the ocean.
with its angry waves lashing out a my bare chest,
while the birds claw at me and peck at my eyes.
and all i can do is grit my teeth.
release me from your love.
let me go.
i need help.
just let me die.
dont tortue me anymore.
i dont want to hurt anymore.
but i'll always hurt.
i'll never forget.
never heal.
why did every love of my life do this to me.
i hate this feeling.
i hate everything you put me through
yet i love you.
and i love everypart of our journey.
i hate this feeling of love and hate.
you were such a part of my life.
i cant forget.
every promise that was made.
every lie that was said.
every moment with you.
i really thought you were the one.
i guess i was wrong.
what did i see in you.
all i saw was the love i had for you.
dont tag.
dont reply.
dont sms.
dont talk to me.
just leave me to die.
i love you.
if you loved me too.
just leave me.
it'll be better.
dont try and help me.
dont give me any hopes.
i cannot.
i'm not that strong.
i never was that strong.
please just let me go.
forget me.
erase me.
your name will always be etched out in my heart.
i told you that before.
and it will never disappear.
i still love you.
yesterday, today, tomorrow.
i love you.
that i wont lie.
i really did.
with my whole being.
i did.
it wasnt some infactuation.
it wasnt some puppy love.
i love you.
together with all the pain.
i love everything about you.
your bad points and your good.
more so your bad.
every experience we had.
i'll never forget.
you brought out something in me that i'll never forget.
you helped me grow.
i dont know how sure i am about that.
but i hope that i'll learn and be stronger.
if we had a chance.
you know i would get back with you.
you know how much i love you.
no matter how many obstacles there are.
you know i'll fight for you.
but i cant. not now.
not ever.
i cannot.
dont worry.
every secret i'll keep.
every lie i'll keep.
every moment i'll keep.
hidden. burried.
lost in the ever turmoil of feelings.
i'll keep it there.
cause i know it'll never leave.
will there really be 3 ppl in my life?
1 who will love me the most.
1 who i love the most.
1 who i'll live with forevermore.
i always wanted to know.
ever since i was a kid.
who will be number 3.
the one and the only.
i thought it was you.
guess not.
dont know if what ever i say now adays is real anymore.
dont know if i'm true to myself.
to whatever i say.
i cant trust myself anymore.
cause all my feelings will just lie to myself.
it'll just deceive me.
i'm broken.
hurt.
lost.
i need help.
but i dont accept it with open arms.
you taught me to love.
now i'll never love again.
i can never love another as hard as i love you.
i wont say i never love you.
i'll never say i hate you.
cause i'll just lie to myself.
the words just keep coming out.
i miss you
i love you
i want you
and it hurts.
i need to get out of this hellhole.
but do i really want too?
nobody can help me
if i dont help myself.
but i cant help myself.
i'm not that strong.
why does everybody think that i'm such
a fine person.
i'm not.
i cant handle myself.
outside i may seem nice.
at home i'm like shit.
i dont like this.
i never did.
i always wanted to treat my siblings better.
my parents wiht more respect.
why cant i do it.
i dont derserve to be loved
or to love.
i cant love my own blood.
how do i love another one who is not part of me.
i dont know.
will i survive.
i know i will.
slowly but surely.
i wont kill myself.
i know that.
but everyday the feeling is like a shadow.
overpowering everything.
its a cloud looming over the horizon.
when i look back.
i read the entries i've written in your diary.
i see how hurt i am.
i see how much i was in love with you.
i could see everything.
but i could never understand.
i never could.
i want to know why.
i want to know so much.
why did it end up like this.
was it me?
it was wasnt it?
what was it?
i was insecure again?
or was it you.
every feeling i had.
everytime i felt that you were in the wrong.
you would take it and spit it out at me.
and i would be wrong.
was it really me?
or were you the one tt was hurting me?
maybe i was the one who was correct.
have you thought about that.
everything i said.
everyhing i liked.
did you ever take an interst.
no.
why?
why do what you do.
why say i love you?
why say if i'm sad you're sad too.
how do you sound so happy even though i'm gone?
do i not mean anything.
was it a lie?
an elaborate set up?
just another play?
another performance?
i'll never know.
theres soo many things i wanted to know.
i always was there for you.
i wanted to help you.
you never let me.
NEVER.
you know how much it hurt me..
that i could never help you?
that i could only know that you were in trouble.
that you had problems.
but i could not help.
cause you wont let me?
did you?
i tried to be supportive.
you had your exams. i didnt expect you to call or anything.
i supported you during your exams.
did you do the same for me?
my worlds crumbling around me.
its like the stage is falling apart.
the theatre hall is falling.
the ceiling is crumbling.
everybodys gone.
except me.
i'm alone
i have to face all this alone.
did i regret?
not that i know off.
i love you.
why do you like to keep it a secret?
was i an embarressment?
maybe i'm not good enough.
i was not good enough to be shown to your friends.
they'll laugh at you?
all they know is how badly i treat you.
i'm not even sure that i treated you that bad.
is it wrong to love?
love.
the excuse?
what is it?
will love really cross all boundries?
love will prevail?
good will win?
evil cannot stand in the brightness of evil?
i dont want to be the good guy anymore.
its no fun.
i need release.
closure.
i just need to destroy me.
maybe it was a game for you.
and now its just game over.
so you're just going to put another token in the machine.
get on with life.
no revert from last checkpoint.
just go on.
who cares.
just another person in my life.
barry.
whos that.
i dont even know who i am.
what makes you sure you know how i am like?
you never knew me.
maybe i never knew you.
i dont know.
everythings all lost.
whats there to believe.
whats right?
whats wrong.
is love suppose to be this painful.
i cant forget.
i need you.
but i cant have you.
you're my poison.
you give me a high everytime.
but you're slowly sapping my life away.
my future.
my o's sucked.
it was my fault.
i cant screw up my promos.
or maybe its fate.
destiny?
time never tells.
time never heals.
it just erodes.
it makes you dull.
it makes you forget.
i'm at the end of my tether.
have i run out of rope?
issit game over for me?
in this game of life.
time to die?
nothing makes sense.
i love you.
and it hurts so bad.
i'm sorry.
i really am.
it was my fault.
AS Much As it was yours.
you treated me wiht contempt.
no wonder we never lasted.
not the first time.
not the second time.
finish over.
dont find me ever.
you got plenty of friends.
dont find me.
please.
if you read this.
good for you.
now you know.
i love you.
you hurt me for the last time.
dont say sorry.
dont say hi.
just disappear from my life.
if i'm around a year from now.
healed.
you can try to talk to me.
i sure hope you do.
but dont make me fall in love with you again.
please.
i cannot go through all of this again.
it'll hurt more than it did this time.
so the best is if you forget me.
dont have to call anymore.
dont have to listen to my beiefs.
my views.
you never listened in the first place.
now you dont need to tell me i'm wrong.
you dont need to say sorry.
dont need to say anything.
no need to pretend that i matter.
maybe i did.
just let me disappear.
i'm sure of this.
i'm sure of this decision.
to forget.
to never get back with you.
i'll hate myself.
but just leave me so i can keep all the memories.
dont add anymore.
everytime you say hi.
you're just extending my pain.
so stop.
not that you do say hi often.
but jsut stop.
feel angry.
angry that i wrote such things about you
whatever.
i feel better now.
abit.
but it wont last for long.
you made me cry.
you made me hurt.
you made me love you.
and now you cast me off like a rag doll.
maybe i dont deserve you.
i deserve someone better.
i love you baby.
you're my love.
i remeber all that.
i love you.
i miss you.
i want you.
i need you.
goodbye my love.
i love you
love kills slowly 2:25 pm
